The Style Invitational Week 922 A Banner week
By Pat Myers, Friday, June 3, 1:11 AM
It’s a cliche to complain
about how hard it is to sing our national anthem. So this week, let’s have a
contest to . . . ah, no, let’s not solve the problem by coming up
with a new song. Instead, let’s keep the troublesome melody and instead: Write
entirely new, humorous lyrics to the tune of “The Star-Spangled Banner”; they
can be on any subject, though the results will be published in the paper on
July 3, just in time to be sung on Independence Day. This contest was suggested
by Arizona State University choral professor David Schildkret, whose choir
recorded various Losers’ parodies on “Shenandoah” for us back in 2006. While we
need only your written lyrics, feel free to record them and post them online
(and give us the link), as long as they haven’t already been published before
today.
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a brake pedal that a
back-seat driver can use to calm his or her nerves when feeling that the car is
out of control. It’s attached to nothing but a mat, but if you get the
batteries to work, it’s supposed to make a screeching noise. Donated by Ellen
Raphaeli.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a
smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail
entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June
13; results published July 3 (July 1 online). Include “Week 922” in your e-mail
subject line, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal
address and phone number with your entry. Complete rules at washingtonpost.com/
styleinvitational. The revised title for next week’s results is by Judy
Blanchard; this week’s honorable-mentions subhead is by Dixon Wragg.
Report from Week 918, our annual “grandfoals” contest in which we asked you
to “breed” the winning names of the foal name contest from Week 914, either
with each other or with one of the original names:
The winner of the Inker:
Helix Himself x Supreme Ruler
= DNA Ross (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)
2. Winner of the
working bullhorn labeled “The Makeup Phone”: Brethren x Taurus a New One =
Romulus and Reamus (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
3. Alito Night Music x Poetry
and Bros = Sam Iamb (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.)
4. Cloud Man x My Colonoscopy
= Sun Don’t Shine (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)
Unequus: Honorable mentions
AARPAARPAARP x Positive
Response = Old Man and the Si (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
AliasInWonderland x Curl,
Interrupted = Lewis Clairol (Steve Price, New York)
Alito Night Music
x Pants on Fire = SamSong and DeLiar (Chris Doyle)
This Is Spiral Tap x Sinai =
Goes to a Levin (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.)
Art Major x Turbulent Descent
= Diane Airbus (Jonathan Paul)
Major Art x Art Major = A
Miro Image (Don Kirkpatrick, Waynesboro, Pa.)
My Colonoscopy x Astrology =
Sigmoid Fraud (Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.)
Uncle Mo x Aunt Mo = Dad’s
Bro No Mo (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.)
Crossed the Line x DeGas =
Border Petrol (Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.)
Dominus x Buzz = Lord of the
Flies (Tim Watts, Temple Hills, Md., a First Offender)
Taurus a New One x Spring
Break = Warranty Expired (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)
Buzz x Spring Break =
Lightyear’s Away (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.)
Concealed Identity x Roasted
Nuts = ACORN (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
My Colonoscopy x Casino Host
= Procto & Gamble (Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.; Laurel Gainor, Great
Falls, Va.)
Yep Same Old Guys x Awed =
CialisInWonderland (Steve Price)
Moaner Lisa x Ouchouchouch =
Da Winci (J.D. Berry, Springfield, Va.)
Curl, Interrupted
x I’m So Soiree = Twist of Fete (Chris Doyle)
Antoine to You x Pants on
Fire = Haute Pockets (Susan Geariety, Menifee, Calif.)
I’m Like OMG x When Will She
B-17 = LOLita (Pam Sweeney)
Now I Don’t Drive x I’m like
OMG = Valet Girl (Jeremy Levin, Washington)
Alito Night Music x Cat Sweep
= Sam Spayed (Laurie Brink; Jonathan Paul)
Czar Nickel-Less x Run
Around, Sue = Roamin’ Off (Mike Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.)
Clumsy Astronaut x I’m Like
OMG = I’m Like 0-g (Ben Aronin, Arlington, Va.)
Manhattan Man x
QuackUnderPressure = Donald! Duck! (Kathy Hardis Fraeman)
Geezers Palace x Humble and
Hungry = Dentured Servants (Trevor Kerr)
See Nile x Ouchouchouch =
Cairopractor (Doug Frank, Crosby Tex.; Jeremy Levin)
QuackUnderPressure x State of
the Onion = Doctor Peelgood (J.D. Berry)
Red Maserati x Extra Fifty =
Buys a Key Chain (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)
Clumsy Astronaut x Sears No
Bucks = Free Fall Catalogue (Ben Aronin)
My Colonoscopy x See Nile =
Moon River (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.)
AliasInWonderland x You Cant
Be Cirrus = Pseudonymbus (Beverley Sharp; Kevin Dopart; Jeff Contompasis,
Ashburn, Va.)
Geezers Palace x Night Party
= Hip Op’ Club (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick, Md.)
QuackUnderPressure x Concealed
Identity = Duck and Cover (Mike Hammer, Arlington, Va.; Nan Reiner, Alexandria,
Va.)
QuackUnderPressure x Crushing
= Fatal Mallardy (Barrie Collins, Long Sault, Ontario)
Art Major x Major Art = Cross
Hatching (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)
Apostrophoenix x My
Colonoscopy = Resurrectum (Mike Turniansky)
Subpoena Colada x My
Colonoscopy = Bar Exam (Laurie Brink)
Buzz x Your Windshield =
Applied Entomology (Drew Bennett)
Czar Nickel-less x State of
the Onion = Crimea River (Steve Price)
Old Guys Rule x When Will She
B-17 = Old Guys Drool (Beverley Sharp)
DeGas x Now I Don’t Drive =
Van No Gogh (Susan Geariety; Gregory Koch, Storrs, Conn.)
My Colonscopy x DeGas = Rear
Wind Ow! (Mike Turniansky)
Czar Nickel-less x My
Colonoscopy = In Arrears (Sam Laudenslager, Burke, Va.; Barry Koch, Catlett,
Va.)
See Nile x Helix Himself =
That’s My Grandpa! (Michael Seaton, Bowie, Md.)
Geezers Palace x Astrology =
McCain’s 7th House (Pam Sweeney)
Major Art x My Colonoscopy =
PeekAssOh (Michael Reinemer, Annandale, Va.; John O’Byrne, Dublin)
Aunt Mo x My Colonoscopy = Up
the Auntie (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville)
Bodacious Cantatas x Fall to
Pisces = O, for Tuna (Laurie Brink; Jonathan Hardis) [Also, look at this great
commercial.]
Moaner Lisa x Birdway = La
Giocondor (Barry Koch)
Bodacious Cantatas x
Astrology = MusicOfTheSpheres (Dan Kinney, Charlottesville, Va.)
Balladry x Ouchouchouch =
Minstrel Cramps (Russell Beland)
Frying Buttresses x My
Colonoscopy = Goth Ick (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va., a First Offender)
Charcharchar x Extra Fifty =
Burn in L (Mae Scanlan, Washington)
And Last: A
Post Trophy x Incogneato = Invisible Inker (Larry Yungk, Arlington)
And Really Last:
A Post Trophy x Turbulent Descent = Trash Landing (Beverley Sharp)
Next week: Get lucky with 13, or The LeXIIIcon